No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Interior design 👌
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
These aliens are taking forever.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t