Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*