*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
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Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this