GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?