movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
You Might Also Like
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?