I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive