There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
A wise man once said nothing.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?