my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise