I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
You Might Also Like
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
selena gomez
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s