I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
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*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
this is the best day of my life
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
this will hang in the louvre one day
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene