Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My dating profile:
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank