If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.