The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The news is so predictable nowadays
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.