I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
You Might Also Like
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I never needed anything more in my life