not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
watergate? u mean a dam??
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies