9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
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“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Guilty! 🤪
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
i meant to share this earlier
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
next question.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs