Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something