[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*