I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
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♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.