I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
#parenting
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The sacred texts.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.