No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through