[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.


I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…


I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.


Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?


While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!


No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.


If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”


You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:


Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.


Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.