[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’m already scared
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.