I’m already scared
You Might Also Like
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”