Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
need him
#NoRestForTheWicked
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts