Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.