Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.