Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
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If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The internet is magic sometimes.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.