Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“The Perfect Relationship”