Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You Might Also Like
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.