If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?