Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper