@UberFacts

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

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@CornOnTheGoblin

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

@jonnysun

*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH

@Chase_Observes

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@GoldenSpirals

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

@IHideFromMyKids

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

@OakHill_

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

@Marlebean

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

@BrainFumbles

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

@sarcasticmommy4

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.