My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.