@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

You Might Also Like

@a_simpl_man

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

@krisv_723

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

@TheHyyyype

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

@TheTweetOfGod

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@Fred_Delicious

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

@lmwortho

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

@bornmiserable

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

@rickolantern

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks