My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

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I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.


I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.


ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…


What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.


Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?



THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”

ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man


I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.


“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.


The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.


My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks