When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
😬
Coffee for people with no kids
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”