I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
You Might Also Like
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Happy thanksgiving!
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I’ve had relationships like this
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?