deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
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[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”