You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
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If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.