Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.