the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
How long do you have to wait between naps?