[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*