I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.