When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.