Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I am never leaving this website
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”