Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
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Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
cry laughing at this shit
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime