9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I love the National Park Service.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I hate my earbuds.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”