Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
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Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions