the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
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*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
A classic…
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction