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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew