You Might Also Like
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Carpe DM
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
HELP 😭
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.