I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Pikachu found the lost joint
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad