Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast