I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Try and stop me.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
How is it still this week?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda