Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

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*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*


There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.


Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex



People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.


Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life


“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”



God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
Moses: We must wander for 40 years