Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. š
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UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called āThe Old Volks Homeā*
Doesnāt everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say theyāre proficient at Excel?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
ā ļøā ļøā ļø
Do NOT do this šš
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite š¤šš¦š¢š³ššŗ adhering to the volume guidelines
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbieās head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then whereād it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
my kid was complaining sheās bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of āSmithā and āBaker,ā we had āFrontenddeveloperā and āSocialmediaconsultant.ā
Iām really hungry, so Iām going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
saw a post asking āwould you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in itā and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [canāt figure out how the mute button works]
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Was my family happy about the new āno phones at the dinner tableā rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.