Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Cop: Get out.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.