@PeaceInTruth1 *calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
@xoMISSYox Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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@PeaceInTruth1 
@mzeld There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
@AngelaEhh Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
@youlooklikeamom People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
@DurtMcHurtt I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
@ColIegeStudent Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
@elle91 Should I call tech support or pray or what
@AngryRaccoon2 *world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
@hansabumsadaisy “Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
@GABBYdaAngSaya God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years