Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
![]()
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
This guy’s not having it 😆
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
![]()
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
bears
![]()
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi